Hungry monsters, Brain Sturgeons and Bovine flew....

I don't know, I have been thinking so hard about so many things I have been having brainstorms and carnival music in my head nearly 24 flowers a day. The more I look at the box that talks the more confucius I become about grown-ups. I saw that sick people where me and Angie come from have to wait longer and longer to see a grown-ups vet because the system is not working right. From what I can see they have been giving lots and lots of money to this system and it is devouring it like a hungry monster and it has got so fat from eating all this money that it has become very sick itself. The monster badly needs to get some exercise before it gets so fat it dies. It just sits there thinking about itself and criticising itself and doesn't get much exercise like making people better. That's the best exercise. They even pay experts called convulsions millions and millions to examine the monster and the only solution they can come up with is to feed it more money. I think they have the memory span of fish because when that doesn't work they have more convulsions feed more money to the monster. You don't have to be a Brain Sturgeon to work out that it isn't working. But they just cant get it right. Daddy says it is like shovelling money into a hole. But they just wont stop. They cant stop. Its like they are married to the idea. Maybe that's what priests mean when they say "forever joined in Holy Mater Money".

And then theres the Moo-Cows. Here in Nostailia the Prune Minister Julio Wizard is going to allow the Moo-Cows to be sent back to the grown-ups who were cruel to them before. She says the farmers have to sign forms that make sure that all the Moo-Cows will be treated humanely. That's the silliest thing I ever heard in my life. I'm nearly two years old and even I know that sort of talk makes less sense than what I leave in the kitty litter. They can sign all the forms they like and it wont change anything. Its like the monster that eats all the sick peoples money where I come from. They get a taste for it and want to eat more and more and they don't care how they get it. If they have to cut corners to get more they will, and cutting corners means cutting Moo-Cows throats. They will have nice clean well filled out forms and lots and lots of suffering Moo-Cows. Its like a nightmare but its not because we are all awake. Even worse, so are the Moo-Cows. Even sillier, they say that the Moo-Cows are going to be treated Humanely. If I was treated humanely I would leave home. So would Angie. They want to be treated Moo-Cowly. Just like I am treated like a Pussy-Cat. They should be left in the fields to eat grass and listen to Moosic and look at the sunset through their big brown eyes. And it should be like that for heifer and heifer.

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Dreamtime, Wombles and Ingenious Originals

How would you like it, as a reasonably well adjusted and happy grown up, if me and Angie came into your house and insisted you behave like a pussycat?

If we insisted you ate from bowels on the floor and did your pee-pee and poo-poos in kitty litter and slept in baskies on the floor? If you could only do as we say in your house and do things our way, the pussycat way? If everything you did had to be approved by pussycats to ensure your behaviour complied with pussycat standards? I don't think you would like it and I think you would do something about it very soon. After all, it is your house and you want to live your life your own way in your house, don't you? When you invite pussycats to live in your house you give them leeway to live as pussycats and both grown-ups and pussycats live happily together. Just like me, Angie, Mum and Dad.

But in Nostailia it is different. Nostailia was the home of the Originals, it was their house. They lived happily with the Pissbums, Wobbelies, Cock one-twos and even the Wombles. They lived a perfectly happy existence for lots and lots of years with no problems. They told stories and had dances and talked about the dreamtime. It was like their religion. Any religion based on sleep can only be a good thing.

Suddenly and without warning other grown-ups came who had a different way of living and upset the originals way of life. They took the land the Originals lived on and built on it and drove around in their boxes on wheels and dirtied the air and the rivers. They were really, really naughty and didn't even want to say sorry. They forced the Originals to live like them and even stole their children because they thought they did not bring them up properly. They wanted the Originals to die out.

Now the Originals are fighting to get some of what is theirs back. They don't want everything. They just want to be recognised and be let live the way they have for such a long, long time. I think as long as the Originals are sad Nostailia will be sad. It is like a big sad spirit looking down from the sky.

Just like pussycats and grown-ups can live together while still remaining pussycats and grown-ups, I think the Originals and other grown-ups can live together if there is a little bit or respect and understanding. After all, they lived here very happily for a very, very long time. They were so successful some people call them the Ingenious Nostailians. Even the Prune Minister Julio Buzzard, I heard her on the box that talks.

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God, Mausoleums and Kitch Teens

I am trying to understand all this God stuff that grown-ups keep going on about. Every time I look at the box that talks there are people fighting and it always seems to be about their Gods. It seems really bad between the Mausoleums and the Kitch Teens. Why is it always people with Gods that fight? You never see Animals fight because of what they believe in. You never see Pissbums being attacked by Kanga Roodementalists. You never see Pussy Cats being blown up by a Doggy terrier group.

People who have Gods always seem to want to force their views on other people even if they have their own Gods. They even seem to want to force their views on people who don't have Gods. But people who don't have Gods don't seem to have the need to push their opinions on others. Take Egg Nogstics. But then again an Egg Nogstic could hardly say "You must believe in what I don't believe in" or "You must not believe in what I believe in". That would be very confucius. Thinking about it, Egg Nogstics by their very nature can not force their opinions on others because there are no words that make sense to get their message across.
So, why cant grown-ups just leave each other with their own beliefs whether they are Mausoleums, Kitch Teen or even Ewes?You would never see me trying to force a Pissbum to be a Pussy Cat because they would make terrible Pussy Cats, purely because they are Pissbums to begin with. Can you imagine a Moo-Cow trying to swing from tree to tree like a Monkey? It would be a disaster. It just wouldn't work. So just leave each other alone, silly grown-ups!
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G Day

In Nostailia they have lots and lots of holidays because of the good weather. The grown-ups like to go out and have fun and play any chance they get. Even the Queen of Englands birthday is a holiday. Its not even a holiday for the English grown-ups. The Nostailian grown-ups even have her flag in the corner of their own to keep on her good side so she doesn't take it away from them. They even have her face on the metal treat tokens that the grown-ups exchange for lollies in the shops. All Nostailians have women in their families who are organising and trying to change all of this. The can be seen more and more often on the box that talks and they have meetings to tell people why their way is better. They call themselves the Real Public Aunts.

The really, really, really, really big holiday in Nostailia though is G Day. I don't know when it is but it is all they talk about. They love it. It must be a really, really really special holiday. G Day. Its even the first thing they mention when they meet each other: "G Day" and they get so excited by it they start talking about mating. Even the Real Public Aunts talk about it. It is even bigger than Christmas present time. I don't know what they celebrate on G Day but all I can think of is G is for Great and Gigantic and Ginger and Giggles and all things Good. They even have a massive carnival on G Day called the Dinkum Fair.

I am really looking forward to it. There will be treats and toys and games and lots of things to do. There are even so many Dollies who want to attend that they have to have a special entrance where they have a Barbie Queue. 

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A Tail of Two Kittys.

Where am I from? Am I from Nostailia or Homeybatter or from Billy Edwards Park or from where I was before that? I heard a grown-up ask Dad where he was from and he said Indooooooooooroooooooooooopilly which is where we live in Nostailia. But because I know him from before that I also know that he is from Homeybatter. Angie and me are from Homeybatter too but if I got lost and a policeman asked me where I was from I would have to say Indooooooooooroooooooooopilly too or he would send me to the wrong place. Is "from" where you are now or where you were then? When is then? Because "then" was a now once and there would have been another from before that. When I think of me and Angie in Homeybatter now am I in a now and my thoughts in a then? These things make me so confucius that carousel music starts in my head and I get giddy. Is this what people talk about when they say there are three dementia's? Some people even think there is a fourth dementia. There are grown-ups called scientists who spend their whole lives trying to work these things out and they think so hard that they have to wear white coats to protect them in case their brains explode and dirty their clothes. One got so tired that he now goes around in a chair on wheels and he can only talk through his finger.
If I am from two places at once that would be a miracle. It would be just like having two Gods and two creators and two lives. I think its called being a bi-vocationalist. One thing is for sure though. Nothing was from anywhere before I was born because it was all dark and quiet then.

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Ducktors, Chickens, Bionics and Acrocats.

Daddy was in the grown-ups Vet today. I think they call him the Ducktor. Its a funny name but if they find one they don't like they call them Quacks. I don't know what all the bird stuff is about. Someone who is afraid to go to the Ducktor is called a Chicken. The Ducktors assistant is called an arse. So the doctors assistant is a Ducks Arse. I think they told Daddy he was too strong because they gave him tablets which are called anti-bionics.

Its not like the animals Vet where they put a fearmonitor up your bum and then laugh when you squeak. I have been to the vet a few times now and I have always been frightened but also a very good boy. The first time I was there I heard Daddy say they were going to take my jewels away. I didn't know I had jewels. I must have been very tired because I fell asleep and when I woke up apparently my jewels were gone. They must have been back in the house and they took them when I was asleep because I don't remember having them with me. I was looking at a thing called a Royal Wedding on the box that talks a while ago and there were lots of jewels. The girl who was getting married was becoming a princess and she was wearing jewels hanging from her ears. I think they might have been mine, they looked familiar.

Another time I had to go with Angie to make sure we could come to Nostalilia and they then put us into a place called quadrophene. It was nice there. It is like a pussycats hotel where you get used to Nostailia and the funny way the grown-ups talk. One of the Arses kept calling me a little daaalink and when I was sick she told me I would be Apples. I never heard of a Pussycat turning into Apples before and I am glad I got better before that happened. I think she was a fruitcake thinking that.

There is a Pissbum that runs across the roof every night and I am going to make friends with him if I can. They can walk across wires and dangle from branches and do all sorts of stuff like that. I would like to learn to do that stuff. They are like acrocats. They also have pockets called Pouches. I think that is where they keep their jewels.

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The Theory of Relatives.

Dad is home today. Its his day off from hunting. He was looking at the box that talks and I was looking at it too. I think you call it interested. There were grown ups on it talking about other grown-ups in Nostailia who had problems. They have all sorts of problems like they cant go hunting like mum and dad and they are poor and don't get to go to school. I think they called them The Originals. from what I could see they had all these problems because they were black and some grown-ups don't like this.

I am white with some black bits and Angie is black with some white bits. Does this mean that these grown-ups would not like bits of us and treat those bits bad? That is very silly. That would be as silly as treating the Moo-Cows badly. There are all kinds of grown-ups in Nostailia. Some are brown, some are white, some are black, some are yellow. The yellow ones come from a place where they make all our cups and saucers. Some are even aliens and the ones from mars call themselves the Greens. They are mad they are, they hug trees and sign partitions about the human rights of carrots. Now, all these grown-ups when put into the same place look the same to me. They all talk about silly things and go hunting and go around in their boxes on wheels and scratch their bums when no other grown ups are looking. I have seen it. They don't notice when pussycats are looking. They all act the same, they all look the same to me. So why would they treat each other badly? They are all part of the same family just like pussycats are. That's why pussycats are pussycats and grown-ups are grown ups.

They talk about having political party's. If you are going to have a party why not invite everyone? Why not get everyone together and call it the Bum Scratching Party? After all they all do it. I know. Ive seen it.

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The Prune Minister, spies and jailbreaks to the power of ten.

Me when I was a baby in Homeybatter.

I am very happy. The Prune Minister of Nostailia, Jolie Wizard, has stopped the Moo-Cows being sent to the bad men who were cruel to them. Mum and Dad say it is because of all the good grow-ups who wrote their name on the partition. I can only count to ten because I only have ten claws. Dad says so many people wrote their names on the partition if I wanted to count them when I got to the last claw I would have to start over and over and over again. I think that's silly. I think it would be much quicker if I got lots of Pussycats to help me count at the same time. That way there would be lots more claws to count. I just hope that the Moo-Cows that are on their way now to the bad men will be brought back.
There was a spy here yesterday when Mummy and Daddy were out hunting. She looked all over the house and took notes in a little paper pad and even took photos. She tried to cuddle me but I hid. Angie let her cuddle her but dad says she is a slut for that sort of stuff. I would like to be a slut too but I am afraid of strangers. The spy looked in every room in the house and even in the wardrobes and the grown-ups kitty-litter rooms. She was very thorough. I think she is planning a big jailbreak of a really important prisoner and going to hide him here. I hope there is no fuss when this happens because I like my daily adolescent teenage marsupial. I think they call it Roo Teen. I hope it is not like on the box that talks where there are guns and shouting and policemen driving fast in their boxes on wheels with Christmas lights on the roof. I think it is silly bringing a prisoner here anyhow because there are bars on the windows here called fly screens so he may as well stay in Jail anyhow. I know she is a spy because I heard Mummy telling Daddy that she is from the escape agents.
I just realised that I have ten more claws on my back paws as well. That is two tens. Ten on the front and ten on the back. Two tens. Is that more than ten? Two tens? Or is two tens just two one tens?
Now I'm really, really, really confucious..........

Freddie The Cat: Under the House.

Freddie The Cat: Under the House.

Under the House.

Houses here are funny. I went into the grown-ups garden next door and the house was on legs up in the air. The house is also made of wood. It is very strange, like living in a tree or something. You can go to a place that Nostailian grown-ups call "under the house". They keep all sorts of stuff there. Some keep their box-on-wheels there, some their junk, some even make it like an outdoor room which is indoors with no walls but under the house. It is really, really confucius. Some people don't do anything with it at all and Pissbums, Lizzies and Snakies move in. Snakies look fun and slithery and playful but Daddy says they bite and have spit in their mouths which make you sick and could even give your brain a serious short-circus. one Snakie is so big and strong it could catch a big grown-up Pussycat like me and strangle me and suck me up like a vaccum cleaner and eat me. I think it is called a Dyson.So I have to be really careful when I go to play under peoples under the house in case I meet some nasty Nostralian Animals. It was not like this in Homeybatter. All I had to worry about were Doggies and the odd nasty grown-up that didn't like Pussycats.

I think I am nearly old enough to have pocket money and go to the shop to buy treats. Grown-ups who like animals are very good to us. Not like the nasties who were on the box that talks the other night and were being cruel to the Moo-Cows. The good ones regularly donate treat tokens (that's pieces of paper that shops exchange for treats) to distribute to animals who are good boys and girls as pocket money. I think the place they donate to is called The World Wildlife Fund. Its like a pocket money bank for animals who are good. All I need now is pockets. I don't think this is going to be a problem because Can Car Poos and Pissbums have them. There must be a shop that sells them. They are made of fur. I think I will try Woolies.

A New Nation.

I think we are rich. Dad got a message from Bills friend the boastie the other day. I heard him tell Mummy it was from where he goes hunting. I heard him say Super! A New Nation! I think he won a country in a competition. Maybe he found a ticket in the golden basket. Lots of people seem to rummage for prizes in there. I hope Mummy and Daddy are not going to be King and Queen because that means I would be a Prince and Prince is a Doggies name.
I hope he is not going to be Prime Minister either because he might put me in the cabinet and I prefer to go into the wardrobe. There is more room there. If he has won all of Nostailia it would be very bad because there would be lots and lots of animals to look after and I would get jealous. I even saw Hoppy-Doggies on the box that talks the other night and I laughed and laughed. I think they are playing a joke on grown-ups.
They even give themselves funny names and grown-ups believe them. There are Can Car Poos, Cooking Berries, Gail Arse and there is even one named after a hippie called Rainbow Laurie Keats. Sometimes grown-ups can be a little silly and naive when exposed to animal jokes. Even I can hear the Cooking Berries laughing at them from the trees as they walk past.
Mum says she is going to do some gardening tomorrow which means me and Angie will spend lots of time out in the sunshine. Mum says I go very "Zen" when I sit in the little Jungle beside the house. Thats a very short word for "Waiting patiently to kill a Gashopper" but grown-ups use funny words all the time.
I have to go now because there is a cartoon beginning to happen in my brain and I dont want to miss it. I love brain cartoons.

Nothing.

I am sorry I have not been here for a while. I wasn't being naughty I was just busy thinking. Sometimes when I think there is nothing. It is very hard to describe but I will try. When I think and there is nothing it is like this:

There. Thats what it is like. It is quiet. It has no colour or sound. When the nothing stops there is an explosion of colour and sound and I get frightened. Startled. Thats what dad calls it. To me its more like an Egyptian man sitting on a camel quietly thinking when suddenly a duck lands on water beside him that he didn't even know was there. Is that startled? If it is then it is like the end of nothing.

Bills friend the boastie brought my my first fan mail. It was not for Bill it was for me. I think it is too cool to have a fan. Daddy says this could mean one of two things. I just think it is too cool to have a fan. There are lots and lots of fans out there and they go around all the time trying to be really cool. When they get to play with their eye-dolls the atmosphere can become electric. I have never seen them play with their eye-dolls so they must do it in secret but I have seen them be electric.

That is what fan mail looks like. I hope I get more because it makes me feel really special when Dad reads it to me. Its better than stories because its not make believe. Real is not like make believe because you don't have to imagine as hard and wont get tired as quickly. Make believe is really fast and colourful and goes in all different directions and is very, very tiring. I cant make up my mind if I prefer real to make believe or make believe to real. Some days I prefer one and other days its different. There is no rule that says one is better than the other so you don't have to choose. But I suppose they are both better than nothing.

Bush Turkey.

It is morning here in Nostailia. Sun Day. And it is raining. How can a day lie? I don't know. I cant work things out because I am very confucius. I was lying in bed last night thinking so hard that all my lights went out suddenly and they didn't come back on until this morning. I think the grown-ups call it a short circus. I would hate to have a long circus, I think that is when people go to sleep and you never see them again. The reason I am confucius is because I saw a Whoo-Whoo in the garden yesterday called a Bush Turkey. I thought all Whoo-Whoo flew around and squealed and tried to get you to chase them, catch them and kill them. Thats the game. But no, everything changed when I saw the Bush Turkey Whoo-Whoo. What is so confucius is that it is funny and mad at the same time. The grown-ups call it Fun the Mental. This thing was huge. It was as big as a grown-ups Christmas dinner. And there it was walking around MY garden, eating MY delicious gashoppers and digging some holes. He acted like he owned the place. Mum was there and I could sense from her that if I went near this Whoo-Whoo I could possibly get hurt. How mad is that? A Pussycat assaulted by a Whoo-Whoo? How embarrassing would that be? It would end up in one of those Fairy Story sheets that the grown-ups read every day and everyone would make fun of me. And now Mum and Dad tell me that there are all kinds of creatures in Nostailia that me and Angie have not seen yet and we have to be careful. Even in subsahara where there are lots of houses! Daddy saw a Blue Tongue Lizzie which must be called after the Queen of England because of the colour of its tongue! Aren't grown-ups clever the way they think up funny names for animals? Blue Tongue Lizzie ha ha ha ha. Dad doesn't have to go out hunting today and I heard him say to Mum that he is going to relax all day. I think thats silly. Why relax when you have already laxed? Why not just take it easy on your day off? Sometimes I think grown-ups are not as clever as they are made out to be. I heard one say he was going to watch the invisible man on television. What a waste of time. You could watch for hours and still not see him. And they leave the rubbish out to be collected by the Garbo. Even little me knows she had a long circus years ago.

The Weekend.

It is now what the grown-ups call the weekend. That is when the grown-ups don't have to go out hunting and they just need to go and collect the food they have gathered during the week, bring it home and put it in the white cold food room. This weekend though, Daddy has to go out hunting on Sat or Day (I don't think they have decided what to call it yet, so they just call it Sat or Day),so I hope this doesn't mean there is a shortage of food or a famine or something. Hunting makes Mummy and Daddy tired, they have to wear special camouflage clothes called "suits" so their prey cant see them sneak up on them. Daddy even wears a piece of material around his neck, I think they call it a neck-die. It must be to strangle the Whoo-Whoo that they bring back to cook in the little brown hot food room.

On the weekend Mummy and Daddy wash the smell of death off of all the camouflage suits so the can go hunting again on moan day. I don't have to explain too much why it is called that because it is the morning when everyone moans. I don't know why they go out hunting for so long as there are plenty of Whoo-Whoo and Gashoppers around the house and me and Angie could help them. Gashoppers are delicious. I became friends with Dubh in Homeybatter. I met Dubh a few times but I didn't say much as I was really nervous and not nearly as grown up as I am now. It is great. Dubh made some pictures of Angie appear like magic and Angie looks so pretty. The grown-up in Nostailia are a little bit mad. Apart from talking funny, they go everywhere in those boxes with wheels, even if they are going a short distance. I think they call it driving. If they are not careful their legs will fall off from lack of use. Thats what happened to snakes. They drove everywhere and their legs fell off. They had lovely legs a long time ago. Now they cant even drive because they have no legs ha ha ha

Bills Friend.

He was here again. Bills friend. He comes on a chugga-chugga motorbike every day and puts messages from Bill in a box on top of a pole at the end of the garden. I dont know when Bill is going to come and collect them. I dont even know Bill. But every time the man on the chugga-chugga leaves something dad always says it is mostly Bills. Bill must not have a box on a pole at the end of his garden. The man on the chugga-chugga must be really full of himself because everyone calls him the Boastie. Angie and I have discovered a huge Pussy Cat comes to visit our house often. He is bigger than Angie and I put together. He might even be as big as a tiger. In fact, he would be as big as a house if houses were that small.We talked to him theough the invisible door tonight and he howled like a nightmare in a dark room full of poo. It was really scary. Mum and dad came running to see what was happening but only Dad saw it. When he described it to Mum she said she thought it might be a Pissbum, but Me Angie and Dad know it is a giant Pussy Cat. I can feel the no-heat at night now and it reminds me of Homeybatter in the no-cold. It is very confucious.It is like an upside-down ice cream that you can still eat from the top or an orange apple or something. It is good though because dad say working things like that out is as good as school. He says some brilliant people never even went on holiday to Universe City

Visitor.

I had a very exciting day today. After waking Mummy at 01:30 AM for some Roast Whoo Whoo which I knew was in the white cold food room, I had a lovely sleep with dreams. I dreamt anything I wanted to become a different colour I could change it. I changed everything Banana colour and it was great. I then changed Angie Strawberry colour and she was really annoyed because she stood out. It was very funny. She wasnt really annoyed though beacuse it was only a dream. I didnt tell her about itwhen I woke up because it was my dream. When Mum and Dad were out hunting (They say they have to go out every day so we can have food) a strange man came to fix the light in my special room at the back of the house. Dad wanted to fix it but the scary woman who knows the man who owns the house said that it needed to be fixed by a special man. I think he was called a contraption. There is light in the room now but I dont know if I like it because that is where I go to look out the glass wall to see if I can see any Pissbums. I hid when the Contraption was here because I am scared of strangers. Strangers take me and Angie away and we dont like it. But Mum and Dad always find us. When the Contraption left myself and Angie played and played until Dad came home from work. I get excited when Dad comes home and do paper surfing in the lunge room. There was paper everywhere. It was great. Dad gets excited when I do this and he shakes his head looking at me saying that I dont have an iota. I hope he gets me one for Christmas present time because I would really like one. When Dad was getting my dinner I got really excited and left him a huge present in the shitty litter. He gets really excited about this too and speaks out loud to a person called God in heaven about it. God in heaven must have really good hearing because anytime Dad talks to other grown-ups who are not there he needs to talk into a special box that he carries around in his pouch. I have to go now because it is ZZZZZZZZZZZ time again. Squeak, Freddie.

Sleepy Cat.

I am going to sleep now with Mum and Dad. I sleep on the bed with Angie and them. I used to go out all night when I lived in Homeybatter and play with my friends and my girlfriend Eva. I am not allowed out at night here but I don't mind as I am tired after the day playing. Nostailia is different but I like it. I am going to get Dad to send Eva a picture of me in Nostailia. She plays during the day where Dad used to go for a walk and he knows a man called Tom who will show her my picture because he is kind to her and she plays with him. I am going to have dreams. Mum and Dad had Whoo Whoo for dinner and Dad gave me some so I have a full belly. I have dreams when I have a full belly

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